Life

(Is it me or is it just so incredibly tough to constanty wake up everyday...?)
Walking, breathing, eating, shitting, it has all been meant so our body will waste, it will end up destroyed sooner or later. And we all know that it will happen eventually. (We live under the constant possibilty of dying.)
A car crash, a murder, any type of accident, a heart-attack, drowning, freezing, suffocating, or long term diseases like AIDS or cancer, just to name a few. We WILL die, and we know that we will, we just don’t know when and how. Would it change anything if we did? Could we say or make a list of all the things we wish to do, or have everyone’s sympathy cause our day is coming before theirs... it might even become a sort of celebration (Celebration?), like another type of birthday. We’d be living only to expect the day when we’ll die, and try to enjoy as much, or maybe even consider it to be a great event, since we’d be relieved from the burdain of knowing that when and how.
Imagine living 97 years expecting for your death, and fearing everyday... then I guess it would not be considered to be living, we’d be in the purgatory, waiting to know what the resolution to our final judgement is. Though I guess that any resolution would be better than this.Just being able to get away (of this place).
We’re still unable to tell the exact day when we’ll die, some say 6 months, 6 weeks, 6 days. (Or 2 months added to that.) It’s just playing with our minds. (Maybe I will die first.)
And we live so full of pain everyday. Some don’t have a job, some can’t feed all of their children, some need to put up with people staring at them, some can’t go against their addictions, some can’t be good enough for their own standards, some will have to live with guilt for the rest of their lives... and still, we keep on waking up everyday. Facing each morning with the same fake smile we’ve had for years now. (The same fake smile.) And if we do actually manage to make it to THAT day, still with that (fucking) smile, could we say that we have succeded? Or are we just the average individual who thinks that living is good? (Are we all just merely average individuals?) We are certainly individualists. We die and we are born alone. (Alone.) Then why even bother...? (Why bother?) We’re forced by nature to bring similar individuals to life. (We can’t help it.) We’re meant to be condemned and to condemn others like us, perhaps as in a form of salvation to each one of us.
Then, we can’t save anyone... and it’s still constantly hard to wake up everyday, knowing that we might not wake up the next. Or worse, knowing that there are more people who will be unexpectadly (and unwillingly) driven to this way of “living”, this constant expectance to die. (We’re all... just expecting to die.)
May, 15th, 2005.